I got a phone call last night about someone else that has been issued their death sentences with cancer. I then check Facebook and another friend were told that her love one has cancer that is in the brain. The feelings that come over you are why again, God? Why is this cycle still happening? Questions and memories flood my mind and the only thing I can do is praise God. I know that sounds weird to some but I turn to God and when I look at him and stand in his presence I find that I can't complain. I can't see all the bad that I feel is happening around me. All I see in his presence is him and all my soul wants to do is praise and worship him for who he is and what he can do.
Cancer seems to be controlling so many people's lives today. In just one year I have had 4 family members die of it. I have felt much hurt and pain when a year ago I found that my dad die of cancer in one month. I wasn't there for reason that were beyond me but I was told that on his death bed that he wanted to let me know that he loved me and that he was sorry. Those words hit me so hard and depression hit me. Questions were flying around me of how could this be and why could things be different. Why couldn't I say goodbye. I went to church the following day so heavy with grief but I felt that God wanted me to be there. In the middle of service a great man of God asked me to come to him and he didn't know about the pain that I was feeling with the loss of my dad. He shared that God told him all that was going on and he told me that God wanted to fill the void that was there because of my lost. He prayed with me and when I was praying God told me to look up and I saw my dad standing next to him and God said, "You just let go. I am very proud of you, my daughter." I let it go; all the pain and the feeling of lost. It doesn't mean that I don't miss my dad, but it doesn't hurt anymore, I don't have cry spells anymore because of it.
Then the same month that my dad's news came, Rhonda told us that she had cancer. The following day I went to her house and she looked at me and said, "Sarah, I'm not strong enough for this. And what about my girls? This can't be happening to me." With tears we cried together. As I was holding her I told her that it was all in God's hands and everything was going to be okay. I told her that she was strong enough to handle whatever came her way. She was going to get her strength through God and her family. And that she did. A week and half before Rhonda died, I went to her house to see her. She was so fragile. She looked at me and said, "Sarah, I am so tired. I don't know how much I can do anymore. I am so tired in here." She pointed to her heart. I know that her time was near. When we got the call that Rhonda had two days to live we didn't hesitate, we went straight to her side. I went to see her one last time. I could feel the heavenly host waiting for her. When I told her goodbye and told her I loved her. She opened her eyes and said in a whisper, I love you too.
These are just a few memories that I have and wanted to share. I know that this cycle is not over. I know that in months to follow I will hear of another death from cancer. But I want to remind everyone that cancer isn't the bigger picture. Focus on the bigger picture, focus on God. I know that it is hard but when you are walking hand in hand with God everything else doesn't matter. The worries and pain that come with cancer and other situations is not the bigger picture and shouldn't have our focus. Yes, we don't want our love ones to suffer or even die but I know who holds tomorrow. That is what gets me through these days that can look so dark. I know my future with him. Even though death took our love ones on to their enteral rest it didn't take there soul. They are waiting for us on the other side telling us not to worry and finish the race so that we can join them in paradise and living forever with our Lord.
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